The End

It ended before it began. I changed my mind about not wanting to work with them -- I decided that ultimately they were worth the wait whether or not our journey ever began. I couldn't imagine meeting another couple I felt so connected with and that is so much more important than a time line.

But they declined. They are taking a break from surrogacy and don't know when they might be ready to begin again. My heart hurts. It hurts for myself, but more so for R&I. I know this decision wasn't easy for them.


As for me, I'm not sure what's next. I suppose only time will tell.

If any good is to come of this, it's that I went into surrogacy planning to be flexible and thinking that the match was more important than the details. I'm coming away from this match realizing that the details are what make the match. When I am ready to start looking again, I will be firm about what I want and make my dealbreakers clear up front. I know now how important homebirth is to me, and I need to find someone who wants that too. I have feelings of anxiety, eagerness, excitement and dread all at once for what lies ahead.

Irony

In my last post, I seem to remember saying "barring any funny business, there isn't much they can do, say or suggest that will send me running." I guess I was wrong.

Yesterday, an e-mail came through from IF saying they didn't feel they were going to be financially prepared within the time frame we had decided on. I know surrogacy doesn't always go as planned, but the thing is that we weren't planning to start until February. Having met them in August, I was certain planning so far out would allow ample time to get our preliminary hoops jumped and leave plenty of padding in case things didn't go as planned. The indication was that starting in late spring or early summer would be better for them. As much as I adore this couple, I just felt I couldn't commit to a journey so far in advance -- so much can change in six months, not to mention there could be further delays, and I just don't want to spend that much time growing more and more attached only to potentially never begin our journey.

We've talked since and their aren't any hard feelings; we're both just aching because we want this to work so badly. They simply don't feel comfortable that any and all what-ifs could be covered, and while all of my fees have been negotiable, the one area  I can't compromise is on the unexpected.

As much as I dread starting over, I want so badly to do this and I think it's still possible to make it happen on my February time line. If, by chance, we're both still waiting, I'd still LOVE the opportunity to work with R&I but at this point it seems we're going our separate ways.

I put an ad back up on SMO and reactivated my profile on a few other surrogacy sites. I've been browsing but thus far everyone seems...not good enough in comparison. I also applied to an agency -- Surrogacy Dreams -- as a TS, and they indicated they will be contacting me within 48 hours.

Until next time.

So Much Happening

After a long courtship, we're starting to get into details about our contract. I know that traditionally this is something people discuss right up front so there are no surprises, but this couple is so perfect for me and I already have my heart set on giving them a baby so at this point, barring any funny business, there isn't much they can do, say or suggest that will send me running.

We're already planning evaluations and I'm charting my cycles, and we haven't even set a comp yet. I think in the eyes of most surros this would officially make me a loon! We're still planning psych evaluations next month so my hope is we will have the contract mostly tied down by that point. In all honestly, my concerns are really more with having birth options than with monetary compensation.

Speaking of charting, I started tracking my temperatures last week and my IPs had me go get some OPKs. I did the first one today on CD9 and will continue to take one a day until I get a positive. My best guess tells me it will be right around Oct. 23.

Also this week we found a clinic who is willing to work with us! They are in Waterloo, Iowa, which is closer than Chicago. They have never done a surrogacy but said they didn't have any concerns about it, nor that my IPs are a same-sex couple. It sounds like we may try to meet with them when my IPs visit next month. Between that and getting out psych evals done, it will be a quick and busy trip but I think we will all feel like a lot was accomplished once we have those two things out of the way. At that point we'll just be back to waiting.

I have so much more to say, but it's 4:58 on Friday and I need to get home to the hubby who turns 30 tomorrow! Things are starting to feel more like a reality!

Better News

The endocrinologist called yesterday to update me on what he'd found in his research. HE SAID HE'D CLEAR ME! As soon as we find a clinic he will write a letter to clear me for surrogacy and send it directly to the clinic. I don't even have to wait for my next appointment in January! This is great news, 1) for a peace of mind and 2) because that means we can move forward with our psych evaluation next month and my IPs will still be coming to visit!

He did reiterate that he can't say that I'm a "no-risk" candidate (is anyone?) but that he will consider me low-risk which means any clinic should be willing to work with me.

I got my blood work done yesterday; we should see results in a week or so. I also picked up an ovulation predictor kit, and have begun charting my basil body temp each morning. I have a feeling things are going to move quickly from here!

The News

I didn't think my day was really deserving of a "good news" or "bad news" title... disappointing, but not a show stopper.

Beginning with the good, I was greeted by Aunt Flo this a.m. which means I ovulated! This is great news, and good progress I think.

Then I went to my appointment with the endocrinologist. Without seeing any recent blood work, he couldn't really comment on much but he did a checkup. We discussed surrogacy, but he was not familiar with the standards for pregnancy clearance. He said his gut feeling was that he would have a hard time recommending me as a "great" candidate because my condition can hinder fertility. Obviously, I know this. I asked if it mattered that with my past pregnancies I always got pregnant on the first try -- while on prolactin suppressants but on the first try never-the-less. He indidcated that would be a consideration but that he needed to speak to his colleagues before he could give me an answer on how many regular cycles I would need before he'd be willing to write the recommendation.

Then he suggested I come back in 3 months... when I began to protest, he simply said he was really busy and I'd be lucky to get in that soon. So I left it at that.

I shared the news with my IF, and we concluded that the best way to overcome this is by going to an OB for clearance. I'm going to start charting again so that by the time I meet with the OB I can take proof that I am in fact ovulating and that really, nothing is preventing me from achieving pregnancy. Crossing my fingers that does it. Appointment scheduled for Nov. 10.

And now we wait some more.

Birth Options Do Exist Here

I was beginning to feel discouraged in the lack of support for natural birth in my area. Then Linda reached out. She has been a doula here for 20 years and seemingly knows every baby-delivering person in a 100 mile radius. I had contacted her to see if she had any recommendations for providers who were NB-friendly, and further any outlook on which Illinois hospital was more successful with birth and VBAC rates.

After a couple e-mail exchanges, she said she did have some good suggestions for me and offered to meet me at my house. We spent 2 hours talking about how she got interested in child birth, our common interest and most importantly my impending pregnancy, labor and birth. After talking to her, I'm more certain than ever that I want to give birth in a non-hospital setting. I really feel that anything else would be setting me up for a disappointing experience. More than just wanting to have a NB, I don't want to spend my labor defending my decision. I want to be able to focus on the baby and creating the best experience possible for my IPs.

Linda did such a great job of explaining her role, and why she is so valuable not only to just the mama, but also the IPs and my hubby. Home or hospital, I had decided before she walked out the door that I want to hire her for my labor and delivery. She was a wealth of information, and when I explained needing to deliver in Illinois she even offered her home for me to give birth in if needed. Additionally, she volunteered to meet with me again when my IPs come to visit next month.

Prior to my first birth, I would have never considered home birth. I thought the idea was crazy, unsafe and only for hippies. I 100% understand why my IPs feel uneasy about it. I don't want to seem pushy or talk them into something they don't want to do, but I do want to give them the facts so that they can make an educated decision. If they choose hospital, I will respect their decision and we will make it work. It just might take a little more preparation and effort.

In the meantime, I have some calling to do. It seems that if home birth is an option for us, there is only one midwife who can do it and she fills up very quickly. She lives and hour and a half away, and Linda said if I want in with her I have to call now. At this point, I'm not even going to think about what we'll do if she says no.

Leg Work

A downside to an independent (ie non-agency represented) journey is the research. Of course, agency or no agency, I would have been reading up on everything myself because that's just the type I am; but it would be nice to at least have someone to ask and provide a starting place.

This week has just been a TON of research for me. First things first, I've been on the hunt for a psychologist to do our psych exam. So far the closest has been about 2 hours away. None of the local ones really have a focus on what we're dealing with.

I've also been reading, reading, reading up on my birth options here in the QC. If we deliver in Illinois, which is currently my IPs preference, the hospital we'd have to travel to is almost 30 minutes away. I was able to track down their VBAC and cesarean states though and they are pretty good -- best in our area by far. I've also been reaching out to midwives (both home birth and hospital) and doulas here to see if they can recommend resources, doctors or facilities that would be a good fit for us. Most I'm still waiting to hear back from. One ran when I mentioned HBAC. Another responded that she attends birth, but illegally -- I can't imagine my on-the-fence IPs going for that!

More and more I'm loving the idea of having a doula present for the birth, but I'm just not sure how to approach it. It's not covered by insurance and I don't want to come off sounding greedy or demanding. At the same time, it's really important to me to have someone advocating for me, and I question whether the Hubby will be able to fill that role. With my IPs interest being fully on the wellness of the baby, I'd like to have someone who is there to support me and backup my decisions.

First things first -- I have to get cleared for pregnancy at my Oct. 7 appointment. As of yet, I haven't had a post-partum period so I'm skeptical whether he will actually condone that. Hopefully Aunt Flo makes an appearance prior so we don't get behind schedule.

Fingers crossed!

A Match Made in... Iowa?

Surrogacy laws vary by state. Illinois is one of three states with great surrogacy laws that recognize surrogate contracts and make it very easy for IPs to obtain a pre-birth order, which gives them parental rights from birth without having to adopt their own child. The catch? The law only protects gestational surrogacy. Not only is it harder to find a lawyer to represent a TS and get a PBO, we're also learning that many clinics won't do IUIs for TS journeys.

Iowa does not have any laws regarding surrogacy, thus it is not protected nor disallowed. This can be scary for IPs because a surrogate could, in theory, fight for custody of the child and it's likely Iowa would rule in favor of the SM. PBOs can be obtained, but only if the IPs are both biological parents, which means only one IF could be put on the birth certificate and even that isn't so simple. In Iowa, the law states that the husband of a mother is the father. That means that no matter who the sperm came from, if a woman is married, her husband is the father on the birth certificate. If we decided to deliver here, we would have to go through the process of getting a PBO and do a step-parent adoption. More time, more money, more complicated.

In an ideal world, a state that supports gay marriage would also support gay parenting but such does not seem to be the case.

At this point, we are still up in the air on where we will deliver. I have just begun reaching out to midwives with some of my questions and seeing whether they see me as a candidate for home birth. My IPs and I have touched on this just briefly, and while I certainly don't want to push them into something they aren't comfortable with, I also want to present my case since they did say it was something they'd be open to.

More recently, they did hint that they are more comfortable with a hospital birth so I have also been looking into the hospital facilities in my area. While there are no birth centers within 160 miles, a few of the hospitals have switched to the LDRP rooms equipped with a pull-out sofa, jacuzzi tub and large room to move about during labor. If a home birth is not an option, this would be the next best thing. But man-oh-man would I love to birth at home ::swoon::

He Said Yes

I guess this means I'm matched!

The Hubby and I got to have a long talk about surrogacy in general, PIPs, our fears, our excitement, obstacles we may encounter and how we will handle them, and it went really great.

For a while, Hubby said he was OK with this, but every time I tried to talk about it he changed the subject. Last night he might have even seemed excited. When I told him our PIPs (or should I be calling them my IPs now?!) had asked me to carry for them, it was like a floodgate opened and he wanted to know everything about them.

He expressed his concern for me again, and said he can't help but brace for the worst. What if I still don't get the birth I want? What if there are complications? He fears not only about how this will affect me, but how it will affect our whole family. He said that while it seems noble, it scares him that I'm not doing this for money -- that if asked he knows me well enough that I would do it for free -- and that I have so much hope riding on a great birth experience. Hearing him express this really made me take to heart how important it is for me to maintain a sense of normalcy in my own home without making life revolve around the family I'm helping to create. Of course I've considered that I still may not get the birth I dream of, and I'm OK with that. After having spent time with PIPs, I really see them becoming like family to us and I can't imagine being disappointed in myself when they go home with a baby in their arms.

I told him I needed him to be completely open an honest. No burying feelings. I'm not willing to strain our relationship to help someone else's so I need to know that he not only supports me, but feels I'm making the right decision for our family. He reassured me that he had really thought this through and would absolutely tell me if he wasn't 100% behind me.

It was overall a really great chat -- we should do this more often!

Saying Farewell: NYC Part 2

But it wasn't really a farewell at all, more like a see you soon. We were having lunch the day of my departure. I had just taken a large bite of NY-style pizza when I heard the words, "We want you to be our surrogate." Speechless. I'm fairly certain they must have thought I wasn't even excited because I quite literally said nothing. I finished chewing and smiled. That was it. There were truly no words to describe this feeling. All I could think was that this was it, and this is exactly what I am supposed to be doing. I don't really remember what I eventually said, only that it took me a while to think of anything.

Of course I want to talk to the Hubby and go over everything. I need to know he's really OK with this, and my IPs feel the same. We are one conversation away from matching. But first, a night dedicated to snuggles with my princess.

Hello New York

The good thing about this trip coming up so quickly was that there was no time to get anxious, excited, nervous or otherwise try to talk myself out of meeting strangers in a huge city alone. One weekend, day of vacation, day in the office and 3 hours in two airplanes later I was landing in NYC.

I had a few hours of work to do, then I would be off to meet them for dinner. It wasn't until I was standing out front of the restaurant waiting for them to arrive that it hit me. I still wasn't having doubts that this was something I wanted to do, and I really didn't feel like not liking them was even a possibility. In our short two week courtship I had shared more about myself with them than I had with anyone in who knows how long. What I was worrying about was what if they don't like me? They have been searching a long time -- why hadn't anyone else made the cut? What had other potential surros done that made them realize they weren't right for them?

I recognized them immediately when I saw them. I don't know why, I had only seen maybe a dozen pictures but I just knew it was them. They seemed surprised to see me there, which I later found out was because I was at the wrong restaurant :) Who puts two of the same restaurant within two blocks of one another? We walked a block to the right place, had dinner (which was amazing, BTW), and then headed out to see the city. The whole thing was really surreal. I kept thinking that I just couldn't believe I was really there, that I had really met them, that we had really only found each other a couple weeks ago.

We talked like old friends with plenty of great conversation and silences that didn't feel awkward to me. We talked about our pasts, presents and futures. I found myself frequently thinking why couldn't we meet friends like this at home. In my experience finding people you really connect with is rare -- yet I had found this couple after only a week of looking for IPs. This truly was a couple I could see us becoming close with even if we had met under different circumstances; and that is exactly what I felt I needed in IPs.

We spent two fabulous days seeing the city. What I loved the most is that they weren't just trying to get to know me and figure out if I would be a good surrogate, they really let me into their lives too. They showed me places that were special to them and shared the memories they had at each. I also loved not only how compatible I felt with them, but how obviously compatible and in love they are with each other. The journey for a baby can be straining on a relationship -- I've seen friends go through it and it's heart wrenching -- but this couple seemed to only be brought closer together, and despite their long wait they weren't discouraged or impatient, just certain that it would happen for them when the time was right.

I went to sleep each night feeling certain this was it. This was the couple I was going to carry a baby for, and I had known it from the start -- but now, more certain than ever, I couldn't wait to get home and tell the Hubby all about them. Concerned about how he would feel about how quickly everything was moving, I didn't want to have this conversation over the phone. I had a half a day left in the city and couldn't wait to enjoy it.

An Unexpected Turn

I'm taking a business trip to my PIPs town...next week. I debated even telling them because it just seems so -- staged. And a little creepy. On the other hand, I don't believe in coincidences and I really feel like this was meant to happen. Meeting face to face is such a huge step, but at the same time, it could avoid months of talking and building hope if we don't both end up feeling like we could match.

So I told them, and they're ecstatic. It just feels like so much is falling into place.

We talked on the phone again today. It was much less chaotic given the absence of the Kid. It's so strange how you can meet a perfect stranger who you feel comfortable enough to have open, deep conversations like you've known them for years. This was that kind of conversation. How come we can't find friends here like that?

Second Base

We talked on the phone. I was nervous and excited and...distracted. Toddlers aren't exactly condusive to intimate phone conversations, but we managed to get in a good 30 minutes of chatting before the Kid really lost her patience with me.

I feel like things are moving fast even though I know that, even if we match right away, it will likely be early next year before pregnancy realistically would occur. Still, e-mail is easy. You write, re-read, edit, re-read, re-word, re-read, then send. I'm a pretty elloquent writer -- if I do say so myself -- but phone conversations are a whole other ballgame. What if I say something dumb? What if there is awkward silence? What if we don't "connect"? Petty concerns? Perhaps, but very, very real.

Despite my fears, it went as smoothly as two strangers making a deal to have a baby can go. I have a feeling I'll hear from them again. I hope.

Changing Sides

I originally set out to be a gestational surrogate, with no question in my mind that becoming a traditional surrogate was an option. It seemed like the no brainer choice since there wouldn't be any emotional complications with having a genetic child that I won't be raising and becuase I wouldn't have to worry about not ovulating without my bromocryptine for my prolactin.

Then I met them. And it made me reconsider. I have not matched yet, but I couldn't help but reply to their ad -- now after talking for some time, I really feel like this could be moving in a good direction. It was this interaction that got me thinking. For starters, biological or not, I'm always going to feel a connection to this baby. I don't need to be called mama or to have regular contact, but regardless of whether I donated the egg, I'm going to be concerned for his/her well being, want to know he/she is well-loved and have a place in my heart for the baby I carried for nine months.

I also tend to be somewhat of a naturalist, and TS doesn't require as much medical intervention. Since it's my egg, insems work on my body's schedule. It doesn't require injectibles and the pregnancies themselves typically require less monitoring. All of this is right up my alley and, in my mind, will help make this a positive experience for me.

That said, I have some specific conditions that have to be met for me to consider TS for a couple.* Primarily, I wouldn't be opposed to working with a hetero couple for a GS; however, I would prefer a male same-sex couple for a TS is because I feel the risk of evoking jealous or resenful feelings is greatly reduced. One issue I see over and over is that IMs of TS relationships (understandably!) have a tendancy to resent the surro or fear that the surro will have a closer relationship with her child. A lot of times that leads to the IPs deciding not to tell the child their origin and sometimes has a catastrophic outcome, which, I feel, can be very damaging to the child.

That's not to say that this is always the case, but I really hope my surrogacy can be a positive experience and I feel I need to protect myself in any way I can. With IFs, there obviously isn't any question that the baby had to come from someone else, and from what I've seen, IFs seem to be more accommodating to helping the TS adjust and let go. I'm not sure what to expect after the birth, and I don't want to pretend to know how I'm going to feel, but I do think knowing my IPs aren't going to run and never look back the day the baby is born for fear I will bond with him or her will be a huge help in coping with elevated hormones!

Again, I'm not making myself exclusive to one side or the other, simply expanding my options by coming to the realization that I may be open to traditional surrogacy if the conditions are right. It would certainly have to be one very special couple with whom I feel extremely compatable.


*This blog is meant to be a journal of my experience, so I would like to insert a disclaimer now: the thoughts and opinions expressed here are explicity my own. I do not mean to offend anyone, and I certainly do not speak for everyone in the surrogacy community, I purely strive to be open and honest as I pursue my journey.

Telling Family

Is there ever a right time to tell family you're going to carry a baby for strangers? What do you say? How do you bring it up?

I told my baby sister today. She is the first of my family to know. I had to work out of town for the weekend, and since the Hubby was also out of town I brought the Kid along and my sister to watch her while I work. We had a 2.5-hour drive and I couldn't conceal my excitement. I told her all about my research and the couple I met and my whole experience so far. It was so refreshing to share and get it all off my chest.

Even if I don't match with this spectacular couple I met, our conversation has made me even more excited about what lies ahead. I can't wait to help make a deserving couple new parents, and hopefully develop a lasting relationship.

I get more and more excited each day. I know it could take some time, but I really feel like I'm doing the right thing and it will be worth the wait!

I Met Someone

OK maybe I'm jumping the gun here because we've only been chatting for a day -- yes, a day -- but I just feel a click. I can't share my excitement elsewhere because a) I'd probably be mortified if the potential IPs found out and b) I sound a little looney saying I want to carry someone's baby (literally) after knowing them a day.

They are a same-sex married couple from the East Coast and I positively adore them. Compared to others I've been talking to they just seem so put together and confident. They have been searching a while and yet are resiliant that they will find the perfect surro. I hope I'm her! And even if I'm not, I hope they find her soon.

On another note, my endo records have finally been transferred. I'm still waiting for a call from the new doc to make an appointment and get my prolactin checked. Considering we just weaned, I'm certain my levels are still elevated. Hopefully, she will put me on bromocryptine to get me back to normal ASAP. I imagine I'll need to have a few regular periods before any RE will consider cycling me.

Off for a weekend of R&R...oh and work. I'll be here:

I Dislike the Matching Phase

I got married young and was so thankful that I wouldn't have to go through the awkwardness of dating anymore. Yet here I am, placing personals ads and asking IPs to e-mail me if they think we'd be compatible.

When you don't get responses you feel like a loser, and when you do, it's the same game of 20 questions over and over. Straight to the point though -- I can assure you my husband would have ran away screaming if one of the first questions I posed was how do you feel about home births?

After the initial contact is when it gets really bad. You respond, they respond, you respond. Then nothing. You check your e-mail 15 times a day (ok an hour) to see if they have written back only to find an empty inbox. Then you read and re-read what you just sent wondering what sent them packing. It's ridiculous. At least I've been able to resist the urge to e-mail those who haven't responded in a couple days asking if I've scared them off...so far anyway. I guess I have a small bit of dignity left in me.

::back to waiting::

First Ad

I am keeping my options open on whether we will journey through an agency or independently. I'm fairly self-sufficient when it comes to things like this, so going indy doesn't scare me...too much.

As I gather records and wait for documents to come in, I decided it was time to place an ad. I have a good idea of what qualities I'm looking for in my IPs and I'm ready to really start looking. Previously, I had been browsing the classifieds hoping to come across a couple that sounded like a good fit because it seems much more intimidating to list yourself as a commodity to be chosen over all the other available uterus's out there, plus I felt I would be less likely to encounter spam and creep-os who may be lurking. Then it occurred to me that the IPs have much more to lose if they don't find the *perfect* surro, and like me, they were probably scanning the ads to avoid wasting time on the the less-than-desirable. So I bit the bullet. Here's what I wrote:

I'm a 24-year-old mama to one ready to help a loving couple experience the joys of parenthood.

I'm an educated, careerwoman working in a corporate setting. Married for 3 years, with SO for 6.

We live a comfortable, eco-conscience, healthy lifestyle. I'm 5'4, BMI <22, and get lots of regular exercise.

Willing to travel domestically, maybe Canada for the perfect couple, but no further.

Our ideal IPs would be in the Midwest, looking to be highly involved in the pregnancy and must be supportive of a natural birth, possibly outside of the hospital setting.

This will be my first surrogacy journey. I have great health care coverage through my employer. I am asking $XXk as base comp. I live on the Illinois border and am willing to deliver in Illinois if needed.

I look forward to hearing from you to see if I would be a match to help you grow your family!

So, whatdoya think? Would you hire me?

It's awaiting moderation now, but I'm anxious to see who responds!

Moving Right Along

Shortly after my conversation with the agency, I received an e-mail detailing everything they would need from me.

• Signed physician's letter clearing me for pregnancy
• Records release form so they can contact providers directly if they need more info
• Permission to run a background check
• List of contact information for providers and facilities who cared for me during and after my pregnancy
• Records from all of my providers, including MRIs for my prolactinoma
• A complete booklet of my health care policy and it's exclusions
• Certificate of coverage
• Photo of myself and my family

Boy have I had a lot of care providers. We move too much I think. In the past 5 years, we moved from our hometown to my college town to the nearby big city to a suburb of the big city and back to our hometown again. This left me with two OB/GYNs, a midwife, two endocrinologists, a hospital and a surgeon on my list of providers. That's a lot of records to gather.

Gradually over the last week, I've been faxing requests for them to turn my records over to the agency. I've requested each call me to acknowledge receipt of my fax and confirm it is being processed. Thus far, I've not heard from a single one.

I did get in touch with my insurance agency to clarify an exclusion that stated "surrogate parenting." That's all it said, nothing more. After holding for 18 minutes, the rep at last returned to inform me that it means they will not cover the IVF procedures. My prenatal and maternity care will be covered as normal. That was a relief.

Additionally, she was able to process my certificate of coverage request and I should be receiving it in the mail any day.

I have a feeling a lot of waiting is going to be involved, especially in the early stages.

Off to wait.

Rejection

I had a couple of concerns over my eligibility that I wanted to know definitively if they would be dealbreakers before I exerted too much time and energy into filling out applications and pulling medical records.

The first concern was the early arrival of my daughter. She was born at 36 weeks gestation, which is technically not full term. One of the requirements for surrogacy is that the candidate have had normal, healthy pregnancies. Since my daughter turned out to be healthy -- did I mention that the technician's estimates were wrong and my daughter was born weighing a normal-for-her-gestation 5lbs 3oz, nearly a pound more than predicted? -- all of the agencies assured me it would not be a concern unless my medical records indicated complications.

Concern number two was a hormone condition called prolactinoma. It is caused by a tumor on the pituitary gland that exerts pressure causing excess production of prolactin, the hormone that regulates milk production. I won't go to great lengths to explain my diagnosis, but in short in order to get pregnant with my daughter I had to take medication to regulate the prolactin so my body would menstruate again and enable pregnancy to occur. Essentially, the elevated levels caused my body to incorrectly believe I was already pregnant or nursing, which often inhibits pregnancy. I was afraid the condition may be seen as a hurdle for IVF and make me ineligible.

I spoke to several agencies by phone and e-mail and if there was one consistency, it was the attitude of everyone I talked to. They were SO wonderful. Every.Last.One.

The first agency turned me down right away, stating their RE wouldn't work with someone with my "condition". When I prodded for additional details, they were unable to give me answers. Another agency said they needed more info. A third directed me to their website to fill out an application. At that point I was frustrated and decided to just start applying.

When you get to this step, make sure you have some time on your hands -- surrogacy applications are llloooooonnnnnnnggggggg. Of the three I applied to, one turned me away because my husband had an OWI when he was 23, one still hasn't responded and one called me to ask some additional questions, none of which had to do with my prolactinoma. When I questioned her about it, she said "oh, it's no problem!"

::blink, blink:: What? Really?

She indicated they would need some medical records to confirm that it was in fact small and under control, plus a physicians letter to clear me for pregnancy but that she didn't anticipate any issues.

Woo hoo! I'm not accepted yet, but it's progress!

Getting Started

Once I realized this was something I wanted to do, I dove into researching. I needed to learn everything possible and be prepared for any potential questions before making my case to the Hubby.

If I can be perfectly honest here, I have the best husband in the whole world and I knew before even talking to him that he would come around to supporting me regardless of what his initial reaction may be. But still, I wanted to be knowledgable so it didn't seem like this was "just another one of my crazy ideas".

I began by doing reading up on the process, looking into local agencies and reading online forums. I stumbled across a fan-freakin-tastic online community -- surromomsonline.com -- that has been invaluable to me as I wade deeper into this process.

It was through this community that I came to find several other surrogates in my local area. I even met with two of them in person at the farmer's market just days after joining the message board. They were very welcoming and open about their surrogate experiences, and allowed me to bombard them with my bazillion questions. If it weren't for SMO, I doubt I would have ever known these ladies existed. Thus far, they've provided invaluable information and support, and I have a feeling, they are going to become an intergral part of my journey. It is such a booster just knowing you aren't sailing into uncharted territory alone.

I spent counteless hours reading agency applications to get a feel for what kind of information they were looking for. I read classified ads of both IPs and surrogates to see what details people were interested in. I read other blogs looking for answers and clues as to whether I was the only person crazy enough to do this to fill a void in my own life (I'm not by-the-way).

Tidbit: My husband recently quit his job to return to college as a full-time student. We were prepared for the loss of income, but still on edge about how our buget would work out in practice. While money was certainly not a deciding factor in whether or not I would pursue surrogacy, it was not a detail that went unnoticed.

One night at dinner, I asked the Hubby what he would say if I had encountered an opportunity to earn more than 50% of his salary in 10 months with relatively little time commitment doing something that was legal in 47 states, including the one we reside in.

I prefaced my proposal with letting him know I didn't mind answering questions, but asking him to not respond immediately. I told him I didn't want a knee-jerk reaction and that I'd prefer he think about it overnight or even a couple of days.

When I told him, he didn't ask any questions. He promptly changed the subject and it didn't come up in conversation again that night. Or the next day. Or the day after that.

After about a week passed, I meekly asked him if he had thought about my idea at all. "No" was all I got. I bravely prodded, reconfirming whether he had any questions. He did, but just one. "Are you going to be OK?" I assured him I would and that I wouldn't put my family at risk, physically or emotionally, for my own fulfillment. We talked through how we would handle it and I promised to seek counseling if something felt amiss. By the time we were done talking he gave me his full support.

And that's when I hit the ground running.

I found the most important questions I need to answer with the Hubby were these:

1. Do I want to be a gestational surrogate or traditional? For us, it was a pretty simple one -- we chose GS.
2. Will we use an agency or go independent? I'm not sold one way or the other on this at this point but we have weighed the pros and cons. We're leaning more toward agency for our first journey.
3. Does the distance of the IPs matter? We both agreed that having IPs nearby would help reinforce their part in the journey and would make us both feel more comfortable. While they don't need to be in our town, we want them to be close enough to be able to come to appointments and share the pregnancy moments with us.
4. Is there anyone we wouldn't carry for? The only dealbreaker for me was to carry for a single father. Discriminatory? Maybe, but I wouldn't be comfortable.
5. Are there any circumstances where we would not be willing to terminate a pregnancy? The Hubby and I agree that, while there are very few instances where we would termintate a pregnancy of our own, we feel this decision is solely that of the IPs. We aren't going to be the ones living with a disabled or mentally challenged child, and it isn't our place to say they should have to. So long as they are making an informed decision, I trust them to do what is best for their family.

Of course there are more, but these were our starting points to get the wheels turning about the situations we might encounter. Next step, start applying.

On Birthing, Disappointment and Seeking Recovery

I love my daughter with every bone in my body. She is a part of me -- my greatest accomplishment -- and I'm proud of her daily.

So then why, nearly two years after her birth, do I still feel so much pain and regret over the day she was born? Why do I still dwell on whether I could have done something to prevent her unnecessarily early arrival, whether I could have spoken up a little louder and wound up with an experience I treasure rather than one of disappointment? Why do I still feel something is missing?

I've read the books, talked it out, cried, wrote it down and screamed it out loud, but the bottom line is I feel robbed. I spent eight long months preparing, exercising, eating right and doing everything I was supposed to do to get ready for the grand finale, nature's greatest miracle, the birth. Just as I was rounding third, preparing to score the winning run, coach called time out and put in a replacement runner.

I had been planning a natural birth. I had a detailed birth plan that laid out my wishes, as well as what I would prefer the nurses and midwife to do in unordinary situations that may arise. I was ready. When the doctor told me the ultrasound technician found my fluid levels to be low and believed baby's growth was being restricted, I wanted to ask for a second opinion. I wanted to tell them that after sitting with the monitor hooked up for two hours and hearing her heartbeat without irregularity that there wasn't any reason for concern and that I would prefer to wait and see if anything changed by morning.

But I was scared.

My emotions wouldn't let my voice tell the doctors what I knew. All I could think about was how angry my husband would feel if I told the doctors they couldn't take the baby today and something happened before she was born. I was more afraid of the guilt I would feel if I was wrong and I didn't have the courage to stand up for myself. And I still regret it today.

In hindsight, my biggest mistake was not working with a doctor that had the same views on birthing as I did. Had my midwife been as adamant about a natural birth as I was she would have at least given me an honest, unbiased opinion on what my options were. Instead I was stuck talking to the on-call OB who I'm fairly convinced is in the business just to make women feel pain. This is the same woman that told me the day after delivery that my section went so well that she was only going to approve me for six weeks of maternity leave instead of the standard eight allotted for surgical deliveries. (Luckily, that decision wasn't up to her and I got my eight weeks approved without her help.)

So why am I here? How did I come to surrogacy? If I can be 100% honest about my selfishness, I want a do-over. I don't want the baby, I just want the birth. I want to prove to myself and the world that my body can do this. If I have it completely my way, I will have a natural birth surrogacy -- hence the blog title.

Crazy? Perhaps. And at first I had strong hesitations against entering into something like this with selfish motivations, but after much deliberation, I decided that all that really matters is that I can be honest about it. If I find IPs who know my reasoning and think I will be a good fit to carry their baby, why can't I have something to gain from it? If you ask me, I would be much worse of a person to add a baby to our own family just to get my birth when that isn't really something we want right now.

Of course I'm not oblivious to the fact that I may still wind up with a less-than-desirable birth experience. IVF frequently ends up in multiples, which makes it more difficult to find a provider to do a VBAC delivery, especially if I am able to explore alternate birthing options, such as a birthing center or home birth. VBAC in itself has risks and isn't always possible. I don't think I'm choosing an easy fix, but I'm certainly choosing a rewarding one. If I can carry and deliver (vaginally or not) a baby to a loving family, I can hardly imagine being disappointed in myself. I also would be a hypocrite if I let my former experience scare me away from trying -- after all, we can fail in anything we do but that doesn't mean you shouldn't give it your all, right?

I've created this blog as a documentation of my journey to become a surrogate mother and my quest for a natural birth. I hope it will have a happy ending and to someday be able to share my story with my IPs (when I find them!) and other women who are seeking fulfillment after a disappointing birth experience.