The End

It ended before it began. I changed my mind about not wanting to work with them -- I decided that ultimately they were worth the wait whether or not our journey ever began. I couldn't imagine meeting another couple I felt so connected with and that is so much more important than a time line.

But they declined. They are taking a break from surrogacy and don't know when they might be ready to begin again. My heart hurts. It hurts for myself, but more so for R&I. I know this decision wasn't easy for them.


As for me, I'm not sure what's next. I suppose only time will tell.

If any good is to come of this, it's that I went into surrogacy planning to be flexible and thinking that the match was more important than the details. I'm coming away from this match realizing that the details are what make the match. When I am ready to start looking again, I will be firm about what I want and make my dealbreakers clear up front. I know now how important homebirth is to me, and I need to find someone who wants that too. I have feelings of anxiety, eagerness, excitement and dread all at once for what lies ahead.

Irony

In my last post, I seem to remember saying "barring any funny business, there isn't much they can do, say or suggest that will send me running." I guess I was wrong.

Yesterday, an e-mail came through from IF saying they didn't feel they were going to be financially prepared within the time frame we had decided on. I know surrogacy doesn't always go as planned, but the thing is that we weren't planning to start until February. Having met them in August, I was certain planning so far out would allow ample time to get our preliminary hoops jumped and leave plenty of padding in case things didn't go as planned. The indication was that starting in late spring or early summer would be better for them. As much as I adore this couple, I just felt I couldn't commit to a journey so far in advance -- so much can change in six months, not to mention there could be further delays, and I just don't want to spend that much time growing more and more attached only to potentially never begin our journey.

We've talked since and their aren't any hard feelings; we're both just aching because we want this to work so badly. They simply don't feel comfortable that any and all what-ifs could be covered, and while all of my fees have been negotiable, the one area  I can't compromise is on the unexpected.

As much as I dread starting over, I want so badly to do this and I think it's still possible to make it happen on my February time line. If, by chance, we're both still waiting, I'd still LOVE the opportunity to work with R&I but at this point it seems we're going our separate ways.

I put an ad back up on SMO and reactivated my profile on a few other surrogacy sites. I've been browsing but thus far everyone seems...not good enough in comparison. I also applied to an agency -- Surrogacy Dreams -- as a TS, and they indicated they will be contacting me within 48 hours.

Until next time.

He Said Yes

I guess this means I'm matched!

The Hubby and I got to have a long talk about surrogacy in general, PIPs, our fears, our excitement, obstacles we may encounter and how we will handle them, and it went really great.

For a while, Hubby said he was OK with this, but every time I tried to talk about it he changed the subject. Last night he might have even seemed excited. When I told him our PIPs (or should I be calling them my IPs now?!) had asked me to carry for them, it was like a floodgate opened and he wanted to know everything about them.

He expressed his concern for me again, and said he can't help but brace for the worst. What if I still don't get the birth I want? What if there are complications? He fears not only about how this will affect me, but how it will affect our whole family. He said that while it seems noble, it scares him that I'm not doing this for money -- that if asked he knows me well enough that I would do it for free -- and that I have so much hope riding on a great birth experience. Hearing him express this really made me take to heart how important it is for me to maintain a sense of normalcy in my own home without making life revolve around the family I'm helping to create. Of course I've considered that I still may not get the birth I dream of, and I'm OK with that. After having spent time with PIPs, I really see them becoming like family to us and I can't imagine being disappointed in myself when they go home with a baby in their arms.

I told him I needed him to be completely open an honest. No burying feelings. I'm not willing to strain our relationship to help someone else's so I need to know that he not only supports me, but feels I'm making the right decision for our family. He reassured me that he had really thought this through and would absolutely tell me if he wasn't 100% behind me.

It was overall a really great chat -- we should do this more often!