Things are progressing. A very busy month of work has kept me from writing, but since I last posted, we decided definitively we will be delivering in Iowa, found a lawyer, I had my STD testing done, I found a potential midwife and met my IPs!
We decided on Iowa because I came to learn that Illinois is not a very midwife friendly state. While homebirth is not illegal there, it is illegal for the midwives to deliver babies and they can be, and frequently are, prosecuted as a result. All of the midwives I spoke with indicated that they were much more comfortable delivering in Iowa if it was an option. Further, since it seemed we would be doing a SPA in either state because I'm a TS and not a GS, there really wasn't any benefit to delivering in Illinois. So Iowa it is.
The lawyer we're working with, Pam Walker, is one of two in the state who are known to be well versed in surrogacy. She delivered the first draft of our contract earlier this week. After a few minor adjustments, we anticipate it to be wrapped up in the next week or so.
As expected, STD testing came back normal; though I keep forgetting to go pick up copies of the results to give to my IPs.
The midwife I initially found and loved, has decided to take a break from delivering babies so the search began again. She gave me a list of other midwifes in eastern Iowa and after contacting them all, only one seemed like a viable option. We've spoken on the phone a couple times, and I love her personality. I had wanted to meet her while my IPs were in town so we could all form our opinions together, but she's having a busy birth month and wasn't able to come this weekend. I'm hoping to get to meet her face-to-face in the next few weeks.
Lastly, and most importantly, my IPs are here! Right now. As I write this. They arrived yesterday afternoon and will be here through Sunday evening. We had dinner last night, and (I think!) things went well. Though we're still getting to know one another, C and I feel very comfortable with them and I couldn't be more sure that we made the right choice. If things go according to plan, we still anticipate TTC in early March.
Showing posts with label birth options. Show all posts
Showing posts with label birth options. Show all posts
Saturday, February 5, 2011
Tuesday, January 4, 2011
Why Home?
If someone had asked me three years ago whether I was having a home birth or hospital birth, I probably would have called them looney toons and asked why they assumed I was a hippie. In fact, when I was pregnant with Bear and C panicked when I told him I wanted to use a midwife because he thought MW=home birth, I laughed at him and said, "definitely not -- I would never do that!" I had never known anyone to birth at home, and it never even crossed my mind that this was a reasonable option -- of course this is true of several other parenting decisions we've made like extended breastfeeding, co-sleeping, baby wearing and child-led weaning (hey, maybe I am a little crunchy after all?).
The further into my pregnancy I got, the more I began to open up to the idea, but because I had a fabulous group of hospital midwives it seemed silly to consider switching. C was more comfortable with a hospital birth, and lets face it, we were nervous nelly's as first-time parents.
When it came time to have Bear, my midwives let me down. What I learned from the whole deal is that while hospital midwives have great intentions to bringing birth back to a woman-centered, natural experience, they operate under the radar of obstetricians, and ultimately, are very medically minded just like an OB. Because they aren't doctors, they don't call the shots in the hospital and they really don't push back much. Looking back, while I liked my midwives very much, their model of care was not in line with the midwifery model of care at all.
In coping with my birth disappointment, I found my biggest frustrations stemmed from the fact that no one ever asked me what I wanted. I was never given any options or told that there was a possibility my baby was fine. I was treated as if I had a condition, rather than being offered suggestions for helping increase the fluid levels or getting a second opinion. When it came down to it, all the things I felt were missing were present in the midwifery model of care practiced by home birth midwives.
The stereotypes lead people to believe the practice is unsafe and barbaric. It may be barbaric, but it works and statistically home birth is just as safe, if not safer, for low-risk pregnancies. Childbirth is a natural, normal process. Women who birth at home have less complications and fewer instances of stalled labor. While I understand why home birth isn't for everyone, I also believe more women would choose it if they had unbiased facts and the resources to do so.
In surrogacy this presents an interesting dynamic, but overall I think home birth is a great option because it allows the IPs and surro privacy and a more intimate experience with people who know and understand their situation. At home, IPs may get to be more involved than they would in a crowded hospital room. Everyone can have their own space without wondering what's happening, they can spread out and relax and still be within ears reach. Spouses don't feel out of place or in the way because it is their own home.
One of the first resources I recommended to potential IPs who were unfamiliar with home birth was The Business of Being Born. It's a documentary produced by Ricki Lake of all people, but I think it sheds a positive light on home birth while acknowledging that some situations still warrant the care of an OB. Its great for introducing newbies to the idea and gently drawing them in.
The burning question hesitant parents always ask is "is it safe?", and it is. While there are plenty of benefits to be boasted from having more direct one-on-one care and being in a place you feel safe and unjudged, it really comes down to interventions. Too often pregnancy interventions are done prematurely. One intervention leads to the next, and if there's anything we know about childbirth it's that baby will come when s/he is ready. These statistics are from one of the best known and most credible studies on home birth. What I love most about them is down at the bottom where it says only 1.7% of home birth mother would choose another type of care for subsequent pregnancies. It may be a small percentage of us who do it, but those who do are happy with their decision. What I wouldn't give to have not had to learn to forgive myself for the way my daughter was brought into this world. Home birth isn't the only option, but it certainly is one worth researching.
Find a midwife. None in your area? Don't worry, they still exist they are just harder to find. Try asking a Le Leche League leader, checking your local ICAN group, find your tribe on mothering.com or ask doulas in your area if they have any recommendations.
Midwife model of care
Can I have a home birth?
Ina May on why home birth is necessary.
Birthing From Within - this book was my bible during pregnancy and as I prepared for my cesarean.
Natural childbirth tips from Mothers Naturally
Happy Birthing!
The further into my pregnancy I got, the more I began to open up to the idea, but because I had a fabulous group of hospital midwives it seemed silly to consider switching. C was more comfortable with a hospital birth, and lets face it, we were nervous nelly's as first-time parents.
When it came time to have Bear, my midwives let me down. What I learned from the whole deal is that while hospital midwives have great intentions to bringing birth back to a woman-centered, natural experience, they operate under the radar of obstetricians, and ultimately, are very medically minded just like an OB. Because they aren't doctors, they don't call the shots in the hospital and they really don't push back much. Looking back, while I liked my midwives very much, their model of care was not in line with the midwifery model of care at all.
In coping with my birth disappointment, I found my biggest frustrations stemmed from the fact that no one ever asked me what I wanted. I was never given any options or told that there was a possibility my baby was fine. I was treated as if I had a condition, rather than being offered suggestions for helping increase the fluid levels or getting a second opinion. When it came down to it, all the things I felt were missing were present in the midwifery model of care practiced by home birth midwives.
The stereotypes lead people to believe the practice is unsafe and barbaric. It may be barbaric, but it works and statistically home birth is just as safe, if not safer, for low-risk pregnancies. Childbirth is a natural, normal process. Women who birth at home have less complications and fewer instances of stalled labor. While I understand why home birth isn't for everyone, I also believe more women would choose it if they had unbiased facts and the resources to do so.
In surrogacy this presents an interesting dynamic, but overall I think home birth is a great option because it allows the IPs and surro privacy and a more intimate experience with people who know and understand their situation. At home, IPs may get to be more involved than they would in a crowded hospital room. Everyone can have their own space without wondering what's happening, they can spread out and relax and still be within ears reach. Spouses don't feel out of place or in the way because it is their own home.
One of the first resources I recommended to potential IPs who were unfamiliar with home birth was The Business of Being Born. It's a documentary produced by Ricki Lake of all people, but I think it sheds a positive light on home birth while acknowledging that some situations still warrant the care of an OB. Its great for introducing newbies to the idea and gently drawing them in.
The burning question hesitant parents always ask is "is it safe?", and it is. While there are plenty of benefits to be boasted from having more direct one-on-one care and being in a place you feel safe and unjudged, it really comes down to interventions. Too often pregnancy interventions are done prematurely. One intervention leads to the next, and if there's anything we know about childbirth it's that baby will come when s/he is ready. These statistics are from one of the best known and most credible studies on home birth. What I love most about them is down at the bottom where it says only 1.7% of home birth mother would choose another type of care for subsequent pregnancies. It may be a small percentage of us who do it, but those who do are happy with their decision. What I wouldn't give to have not had to learn to forgive myself for the way my daughter was brought into this world. Home birth isn't the only option, but it certainly is one worth researching.
Find a midwife. None in your area? Don't worry, they still exist they are just harder to find. Try asking a Le Leche League leader, checking your local ICAN group, find your tribe on mothering.com or ask doulas in your area if they have any recommendations.
Other great home birth resources:
6 myths about home birth exposedMidwife model of care
Can I have a home birth?
Ina May on why home birth is necessary.
Birthing From Within - this book was my bible during pregnancy and as I prepared for my cesarean.
Natural childbirth tips from Mothers Naturally
Happy Birthing!
Sunday, October 3, 2010
Birth Options Do Exist Here
I was beginning to feel discouraged in the lack of support for natural birth in my area. Then Linda reached out. She has been a doula here for 20 years and seemingly knows every baby-delivering person in a 100 mile radius. I had contacted her to see if she had any recommendations for providers who were NB-friendly, and further any outlook on which Illinois hospital was more successful with birth and VBAC rates.
After a couple e-mail exchanges, she said she did have some good suggestions for me and offered to meet me at my house. We spent 2 hours talking about how she got interested in child birth, our common interest and most importantly my impending pregnancy, labor and birth. After talking to her, I'm more certain than ever that I want to give birth in a non-hospital setting. I really feel that anything else would be setting me up for a disappointing experience. More than just wanting to have a NB, I don't want to spend my labor defending my decision. I want to be able to focus on the baby and creating the best experience possible for my IPs.
Linda did such a great job of explaining her role, and why she is so valuable not only to just the mama, but also the IPs and my hubby. Home or hospital, I had decided before she walked out the door that I want to hire her for my labor and delivery. She was a wealth of information, and when I explained needing to deliver in Illinois she even offered her home for me to give birth in if needed. Additionally, she volunteered to meet with me again when my IPs come to visit next month.
Prior to my first birth, I would have never considered home birth. I thought the idea was crazy, unsafe and only for hippies. I 100% understand why my IPs feel uneasy about it. I don't want to seem pushy or talk them into something they don't want to do, but I do want to give them the facts so that they can make an educated decision. If they choose hospital, I will respect their decision and we will make it work. It just might take a little more preparation and effort.
In the meantime, I have some calling to do. It seems that if home birth is an option for us, there is only one midwife who can do it and she fills up very quickly. She lives and hour and a half away, and Linda said if I want in with her I have to call now. At this point, I'm not even going to think about what we'll do if she says no.
After a couple e-mail exchanges, she said she did have some good suggestions for me and offered to meet me at my house. We spent 2 hours talking about how she got interested in child birth, our common interest and most importantly my impending pregnancy, labor and birth. After talking to her, I'm more certain than ever that I want to give birth in a non-hospital setting. I really feel that anything else would be setting me up for a disappointing experience. More than just wanting to have a NB, I don't want to spend my labor defending my decision. I want to be able to focus on the baby and creating the best experience possible for my IPs.
Linda did such a great job of explaining her role, and why she is so valuable not only to just the mama, but also the IPs and my hubby. Home or hospital, I had decided before she walked out the door that I want to hire her for my labor and delivery. She was a wealth of information, and when I explained needing to deliver in Illinois she even offered her home for me to give birth in if needed. Additionally, she volunteered to meet with me again when my IPs come to visit next month.
Prior to my first birth, I would have never considered home birth. I thought the idea was crazy, unsafe and only for hippies. I 100% understand why my IPs feel uneasy about it. I don't want to seem pushy or talk them into something they don't want to do, but I do want to give them the facts so that they can make an educated decision. If they choose hospital, I will respect their decision and we will make it work. It just might take a little more preparation and effort.
In the meantime, I have some calling to do. It seems that if home birth is an option for us, there is only one midwife who can do it and she fills up very quickly. She lives and hour and a half away, and Linda said if I want in with her I have to call now. At this point, I'm not even going to think about what we'll do if she says no.
Wednesday, September 15, 2010
Leg Work
This week has just been a TON of research for me. First things first, I've been on the hunt for a psychologist to do our psych exam. So far the closest has been about 2 hours away. None of the local ones really have a focus on what we're dealing with.
I've also been reading, reading, reading up on my birth options here in the QC. If we deliver in Illinois, which is currently my IPs preference, the hospital we'd have to travel to is almost 30 minutes away. I was able to track down their VBAC and cesarean states though and they are pretty good -- best in our area by far. I've also been reaching out to midwives (both home birth and hospital) and doulas here to see if they can recommend resources, doctors or facilities that would be a good fit for us. Most I'm still waiting to hear back from. One ran when I mentioned HBAC. Another responded that she attends birth, but illegally -- I can't imagine my on-the-fence IPs going for that!
More and more I'm loving the idea of having a doula present for the birth, but I'm just not sure how to approach it. It's not covered by insurance and I don't want to come off sounding greedy or demanding. At the same time, it's really important to me to have someone advocating for me, and I question whether the Hubby will be able to fill that role. With my IPs interest being fully on the wellness of the baby, I'd like to have someone who is there to support me and backup my decisions.
First things first -- I have to get cleared for pregnancy at my Oct. 7 appointment. As of yet, I haven't had a post-partum period so I'm skeptical whether he will actually condone that. Hopefully Aunt Flo makes an appearance prior so we don't get behind schedule.
Fingers crossed!
Thursday, September 9, 2010
A Match Made in... Iowa?
Iowa does not have any laws regarding surrogacy, thus it is not protected nor disallowed. This can be scary for IPs because a surrogate could, in theory, fight for custody of the child and it's likely Iowa would rule in favor of the SM. PBOs can be obtained, but only if the IPs are both biological parents, which means only one IF could be put on the birth certificate and even that isn't so simple. In Iowa, the law states that the husband of a mother is the father. That means that no matter who the sperm came from, if a woman is married, her husband is the father on the birth certificate. If we decided to deliver here, we would have to go through the process of getting a PBO and do a step-parent adoption. More time, more money, more complicated.
In an ideal world, a state that supports gay marriage would also support gay parenting but such does not seem to be the case.
At this point, we are still up in the air on where we will deliver. I have just begun reaching out to midwives with some of my questions and seeing whether they see me as a candidate for home birth. My IPs and I have touched on this just briefly, and while I certainly don't want to push them into something they aren't comfortable with, I also want to present my case since they did say it was something they'd be open to.
More recently, they did hint that they are more comfortable with a hospital birth so I have also been looking into the hospital facilities in my area. While there are no birth centers within 160 miles, a few of the hospitals have switched to the LDRP rooms equipped with a pull-out sofa, jacuzzi tub and large room to move about during labor. If a home birth is not an option, this would be the next best thing. But man-oh-man would I love to birth at home ::swoon::
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