An Unexpected Turn

I'm taking a business trip to my PIPs town...next week. I debated even telling them because it just seems so -- staged. And a little creepy. On the other hand, I don't believe in coincidences and I really feel like this was meant to happen. Meeting face to face is such a huge step, but at the same time, it could avoid months of talking and building hope if we don't both end up feeling like we could match.

So I told them, and they're ecstatic. It just feels like so much is falling into place.

We talked on the phone again today. It was much less chaotic given the absence of the Kid. It's so strange how you can meet a perfect stranger who you feel comfortable enough to have open, deep conversations like you've known them for years. This was that kind of conversation. How come we can't find friends here like that?

Second Base

We talked on the phone. I was nervous and excited and...distracted. Toddlers aren't exactly condusive to intimate phone conversations, but we managed to get in a good 30 minutes of chatting before the Kid really lost her patience with me.

I feel like things are moving fast even though I know that, even if we match right away, it will likely be early next year before pregnancy realistically would occur. Still, e-mail is easy. You write, re-read, edit, re-read, re-word, re-read, then send. I'm a pretty elloquent writer -- if I do say so myself -- but phone conversations are a whole other ballgame. What if I say something dumb? What if there is awkward silence? What if we don't "connect"? Petty concerns? Perhaps, but very, very real.

Despite my fears, it went as smoothly as two strangers making a deal to have a baby can go. I have a feeling I'll hear from them again. I hope.

Changing Sides

I originally set out to be a gestational surrogate, with no question in my mind that becoming a traditional surrogate was an option. It seemed like the no brainer choice since there wouldn't be any emotional complications with having a genetic child that I won't be raising and becuase I wouldn't have to worry about not ovulating without my bromocryptine for my prolactin.

Then I met them. And it made me reconsider. I have not matched yet, but I couldn't help but reply to their ad -- now after talking for some time, I really feel like this could be moving in a good direction. It was this interaction that got me thinking. For starters, biological or not, I'm always going to feel a connection to this baby. I don't need to be called mama or to have regular contact, but regardless of whether I donated the egg, I'm going to be concerned for his/her well being, want to know he/she is well-loved and have a place in my heart for the baby I carried for nine months.

I also tend to be somewhat of a naturalist, and TS doesn't require as much medical intervention. Since it's my egg, insems work on my body's schedule. It doesn't require injectibles and the pregnancies themselves typically require less monitoring. All of this is right up my alley and, in my mind, will help make this a positive experience for me.

That said, I have some specific conditions that have to be met for me to consider TS for a couple.* Primarily, I wouldn't be opposed to working with a hetero couple for a GS; however, I would prefer a male same-sex couple for a TS is because I feel the risk of evoking jealous or resenful feelings is greatly reduced. One issue I see over and over is that IMs of TS relationships (understandably!) have a tendancy to resent the surro or fear that the surro will have a closer relationship with her child. A lot of times that leads to the IPs deciding not to tell the child their origin and sometimes has a catastrophic outcome, which, I feel, can be very damaging to the child.

That's not to say that this is always the case, but I really hope my surrogacy can be a positive experience and I feel I need to protect myself in any way I can. With IFs, there obviously isn't any question that the baby had to come from someone else, and from what I've seen, IFs seem to be more accommodating to helping the TS adjust and let go. I'm not sure what to expect after the birth, and I don't want to pretend to know how I'm going to feel, but I do think knowing my IPs aren't going to run and never look back the day the baby is born for fear I will bond with him or her will be a huge help in coping with elevated hormones!

Again, I'm not making myself exclusive to one side or the other, simply expanding my options by coming to the realization that I may be open to traditional surrogacy if the conditions are right. It would certainly have to be one very special couple with whom I feel extremely compatable.


*This blog is meant to be a journal of my experience, so I would like to insert a disclaimer now: the thoughts and opinions expressed here are explicity my own. I do not mean to offend anyone, and I certainly do not speak for everyone in the surrogacy community, I purely strive to be open and honest as I pursue my journey.

Telling Family

Is there ever a right time to tell family you're going to carry a baby for strangers? What do you say? How do you bring it up?

I told my baby sister today. She is the first of my family to know. I had to work out of town for the weekend, and since the Hubby was also out of town I brought the Kid along and my sister to watch her while I work. We had a 2.5-hour drive and I couldn't conceal my excitement. I told her all about my research and the couple I met and my whole experience so far. It was so refreshing to share and get it all off my chest.

Even if I don't match with this spectacular couple I met, our conversation has made me even more excited about what lies ahead. I can't wait to help make a deserving couple new parents, and hopefully develop a lasting relationship.

I get more and more excited each day. I know it could take some time, but I really feel like I'm doing the right thing and it will be worth the wait!

I Met Someone

OK maybe I'm jumping the gun here because we've only been chatting for a day -- yes, a day -- but I just feel a click. I can't share my excitement elsewhere because a) I'd probably be mortified if the potential IPs found out and b) I sound a little looney saying I want to carry someone's baby (literally) after knowing them a day.

They are a same-sex married couple from the East Coast and I positively adore them. Compared to others I've been talking to they just seem so put together and confident. They have been searching a while and yet are resiliant that they will find the perfect surro. I hope I'm her! And even if I'm not, I hope they find her soon.

On another note, my endo records have finally been transferred. I'm still waiting for a call from the new doc to make an appointment and get my prolactin checked. Considering we just weaned, I'm certain my levels are still elevated. Hopefully, she will put me on bromocryptine to get me back to normal ASAP. I imagine I'll need to have a few regular periods before any RE will consider cycling me.

Off for a weekend of R&R...oh and work. I'll be here:

I Dislike the Matching Phase

I got married young and was so thankful that I wouldn't have to go through the awkwardness of dating anymore. Yet here I am, placing personals ads and asking IPs to e-mail me if they think we'd be compatible.

When you don't get responses you feel like a loser, and when you do, it's the same game of 20 questions over and over. Straight to the point though -- I can assure you my husband would have ran away screaming if one of the first questions I posed was how do you feel about home births?

After the initial contact is when it gets really bad. You respond, they respond, you respond. Then nothing. You check your e-mail 15 times a day (ok an hour) to see if they have written back only to find an empty inbox. Then you read and re-read what you just sent wondering what sent them packing. It's ridiculous. At least I've been able to resist the urge to e-mail those who haven't responded in a couple days asking if I've scared them off...so far anyway. I guess I have a small bit of dignity left in me.

::back to waiting::

First Ad

I am keeping my options open on whether we will journey through an agency or independently. I'm fairly self-sufficient when it comes to things like this, so going indy doesn't scare me...too much.

As I gather records and wait for documents to come in, I decided it was time to place an ad. I have a good idea of what qualities I'm looking for in my IPs and I'm ready to really start looking. Previously, I had been browsing the classifieds hoping to come across a couple that sounded like a good fit because it seems much more intimidating to list yourself as a commodity to be chosen over all the other available uterus's out there, plus I felt I would be less likely to encounter spam and creep-os who may be lurking. Then it occurred to me that the IPs have much more to lose if they don't find the *perfect* surro, and like me, they were probably scanning the ads to avoid wasting time on the the less-than-desirable. So I bit the bullet. Here's what I wrote:

I'm a 24-year-old mama to one ready to help a loving couple experience the joys of parenthood.

I'm an educated, careerwoman working in a corporate setting. Married for 3 years, with SO for 6.

We live a comfortable, eco-conscience, healthy lifestyle. I'm 5'4, BMI <22, and get lots of regular exercise.

Willing to travel domestically, maybe Canada for the perfect couple, but no further.

Our ideal IPs would be in the Midwest, looking to be highly involved in the pregnancy and must be supportive of a natural birth, possibly outside of the hospital setting.

This will be my first surrogacy journey. I have great health care coverage through my employer. I am asking $XXk as base comp. I live on the Illinois border and am willing to deliver in Illinois if needed.

I look forward to hearing from you to see if I would be a match to help you grow your family!

So, whatdoya think? Would you hire me?

It's awaiting moderation now, but I'm anxious to see who responds!

Moving Right Along

Shortly after my conversation with the agency, I received an e-mail detailing everything they would need from me.

• Signed physician's letter clearing me for pregnancy
• Records release form so they can contact providers directly if they need more info
• Permission to run a background check
• List of contact information for providers and facilities who cared for me during and after my pregnancy
• Records from all of my providers, including MRIs for my prolactinoma
• A complete booklet of my health care policy and it's exclusions
• Certificate of coverage
• Photo of myself and my family

Boy have I had a lot of care providers. We move too much I think. In the past 5 years, we moved from our hometown to my college town to the nearby big city to a suburb of the big city and back to our hometown again. This left me with two OB/GYNs, a midwife, two endocrinologists, a hospital and a surgeon on my list of providers. That's a lot of records to gather.

Gradually over the last week, I've been faxing requests for them to turn my records over to the agency. I've requested each call me to acknowledge receipt of my fax and confirm it is being processed. Thus far, I've not heard from a single one.

I did get in touch with my insurance agency to clarify an exclusion that stated "surrogate parenting." That's all it said, nothing more. After holding for 18 minutes, the rep at last returned to inform me that it means they will not cover the IVF procedures. My prenatal and maternity care will be covered as normal. That was a relief.

Additionally, she was able to process my certificate of coverage request and I should be receiving it in the mail any day.

I have a feeling a lot of waiting is going to be involved, especially in the early stages.

Off to wait.

Rejection

I had a couple of concerns over my eligibility that I wanted to know definitively if they would be dealbreakers before I exerted too much time and energy into filling out applications and pulling medical records.

The first concern was the early arrival of my daughter. She was born at 36 weeks gestation, which is technically not full term. One of the requirements for surrogacy is that the candidate have had normal, healthy pregnancies. Since my daughter turned out to be healthy -- did I mention that the technician's estimates were wrong and my daughter was born weighing a normal-for-her-gestation 5lbs 3oz, nearly a pound more than predicted? -- all of the agencies assured me it would not be a concern unless my medical records indicated complications.

Concern number two was a hormone condition called prolactinoma. It is caused by a tumor on the pituitary gland that exerts pressure causing excess production of prolactin, the hormone that regulates milk production. I won't go to great lengths to explain my diagnosis, but in short in order to get pregnant with my daughter I had to take medication to regulate the prolactin so my body would menstruate again and enable pregnancy to occur. Essentially, the elevated levels caused my body to incorrectly believe I was already pregnant or nursing, which often inhibits pregnancy. I was afraid the condition may be seen as a hurdle for IVF and make me ineligible.

I spoke to several agencies by phone and e-mail and if there was one consistency, it was the attitude of everyone I talked to. They were SO wonderful. Every.Last.One.

The first agency turned me down right away, stating their RE wouldn't work with someone with my "condition". When I prodded for additional details, they were unable to give me answers. Another agency said they needed more info. A third directed me to their website to fill out an application. At that point I was frustrated and decided to just start applying.

When you get to this step, make sure you have some time on your hands -- surrogacy applications are llloooooonnnnnnnggggggg. Of the three I applied to, one turned me away because my husband had an OWI when he was 23, one still hasn't responded and one called me to ask some additional questions, none of which had to do with my prolactinoma. When I questioned her about it, she said "oh, it's no problem!"

::blink, blink:: What? Really?

She indicated they would need some medical records to confirm that it was in fact small and under control, plus a physicians letter to clear me for pregnancy but that she didn't anticipate any issues.

Woo hoo! I'm not accepted yet, but it's progress!

Getting Started

Once I realized this was something I wanted to do, I dove into researching. I needed to learn everything possible and be prepared for any potential questions before making my case to the Hubby.

If I can be perfectly honest here, I have the best husband in the whole world and I knew before even talking to him that he would come around to supporting me regardless of what his initial reaction may be. But still, I wanted to be knowledgable so it didn't seem like this was "just another one of my crazy ideas".

I began by doing reading up on the process, looking into local agencies and reading online forums. I stumbled across a fan-freakin-tastic online community -- surromomsonline.com -- that has been invaluable to me as I wade deeper into this process.

It was through this community that I came to find several other surrogates in my local area. I even met with two of them in person at the farmer's market just days after joining the message board. They were very welcoming and open about their surrogate experiences, and allowed me to bombard them with my bazillion questions. If it weren't for SMO, I doubt I would have ever known these ladies existed. Thus far, they've provided invaluable information and support, and I have a feeling, they are going to become an intergral part of my journey. It is such a booster just knowing you aren't sailing into uncharted territory alone.

I spent counteless hours reading agency applications to get a feel for what kind of information they were looking for. I read classified ads of both IPs and surrogates to see what details people were interested in. I read other blogs looking for answers and clues as to whether I was the only person crazy enough to do this to fill a void in my own life (I'm not by-the-way).

Tidbit: My husband recently quit his job to return to college as a full-time student. We were prepared for the loss of income, but still on edge about how our buget would work out in practice. While money was certainly not a deciding factor in whether or not I would pursue surrogacy, it was not a detail that went unnoticed.

One night at dinner, I asked the Hubby what he would say if I had encountered an opportunity to earn more than 50% of his salary in 10 months with relatively little time commitment doing something that was legal in 47 states, including the one we reside in.

I prefaced my proposal with letting him know I didn't mind answering questions, but asking him to not respond immediately. I told him I didn't want a knee-jerk reaction and that I'd prefer he think about it overnight or even a couple of days.

When I told him, he didn't ask any questions. He promptly changed the subject and it didn't come up in conversation again that night. Or the next day. Or the day after that.

After about a week passed, I meekly asked him if he had thought about my idea at all. "No" was all I got. I bravely prodded, reconfirming whether he had any questions. He did, but just one. "Are you going to be OK?" I assured him I would and that I wouldn't put my family at risk, physically or emotionally, for my own fulfillment. We talked through how we would handle it and I promised to seek counseling if something felt amiss. By the time we were done talking he gave me his full support.

And that's when I hit the ground running.

I found the most important questions I need to answer with the Hubby were these:

1. Do I want to be a gestational surrogate or traditional? For us, it was a pretty simple one -- we chose GS.
2. Will we use an agency or go independent? I'm not sold one way or the other on this at this point but we have weighed the pros and cons. We're leaning more toward agency for our first journey.
3. Does the distance of the IPs matter? We both agreed that having IPs nearby would help reinforce their part in the journey and would make us both feel more comfortable. While they don't need to be in our town, we want them to be close enough to be able to come to appointments and share the pregnancy moments with us.
4. Is there anyone we wouldn't carry for? The only dealbreaker for me was to carry for a single father. Discriminatory? Maybe, but I wouldn't be comfortable.
5. Are there any circumstances where we would not be willing to terminate a pregnancy? The Hubby and I agree that, while there are very few instances where we would termintate a pregnancy of our own, we feel this decision is solely that of the IPs. We aren't going to be the ones living with a disabled or mentally challenged child, and it isn't our place to say they should have to. So long as they are making an informed decision, I trust them to do what is best for their family.

Of course there are more, but these were our starting points to get the wheels turning about the situations we might encounter. Next step, start applying.

On Birthing, Disappointment and Seeking Recovery

I love my daughter with every bone in my body. She is a part of me -- my greatest accomplishment -- and I'm proud of her daily.

So then why, nearly two years after her birth, do I still feel so much pain and regret over the day she was born? Why do I still dwell on whether I could have done something to prevent her unnecessarily early arrival, whether I could have spoken up a little louder and wound up with an experience I treasure rather than one of disappointment? Why do I still feel something is missing?

I've read the books, talked it out, cried, wrote it down and screamed it out loud, but the bottom line is I feel robbed. I spent eight long months preparing, exercising, eating right and doing everything I was supposed to do to get ready for the grand finale, nature's greatest miracle, the birth. Just as I was rounding third, preparing to score the winning run, coach called time out and put in a replacement runner.

I had been planning a natural birth. I had a detailed birth plan that laid out my wishes, as well as what I would prefer the nurses and midwife to do in unordinary situations that may arise. I was ready. When the doctor told me the ultrasound technician found my fluid levels to be low and believed baby's growth was being restricted, I wanted to ask for a second opinion. I wanted to tell them that after sitting with the monitor hooked up for two hours and hearing her heartbeat without irregularity that there wasn't any reason for concern and that I would prefer to wait and see if anything changed by morning.

But I was scared.

My emotions wouldn't let my voice tell the doctors what I knew. All I could think about was how angry my husband would feel if I told the doctors they couldn't take the baby today and something happened before she was born. I was more afraid of the guilt I would feel if I was wrong and I didn't have the courage to stand up for myself. And I still regret it today.

In hindsight, my biggest mistake was not working with a doctor that had the same views on birthing as I did. Had my midwife been as adamant about a natural birth as I was she would have at least given me an honest, unbiased opinion on what my options were. Instead I was stuck talking to the on-call OB who I'm fairly convinced is in the business just to make women feel pain. This is the same woman that told me the day after delivery that my section went so well that she was only going to approve me for six weeks of maternity leave instead of the standard eight allotted for surgical deliveries. (Luckily, that decision wasn't up to her and I got my eight weeks approved without her help.)

So why am I here? How did I come to surrogacy? If I can be 100% honest about my selfishness, I want a do-over. I don't want the baby, I just want the birth. I want to prove to myself and the world that my body can do this. If I have it completely my way, I will have a natural birth surrogacy -- hence the blog title.

Crazy? Perhaps. And at first I had strong hesitations against entering into something like this with selfish motivations, but after much deliberation, I decided that all that really matters is that I can be honest about it. If I find IPs who know my reasoning and think I will be a good fit to carry their baby, why can't I have something to gain from it? If you ask me, I would be much worse of a person to add a baby to our own family just to get my birth when that isn't really something we want right now.

Of course I'm not oblivious to the fact that I may still wind up with a less-than-desirable birth experience. IVF frequently ends up in multiples, which makes it more difficult to find a provider to do a VBAC delivery, especially if I am able to explore alternate birthing options, such as a birthing center or home birth. VBAC in itself has risks and isn't always possible. I don't think I'm choosing an easy fix, but I'm certainly choosing a rewarding one. If I can carry and deliver (vaginally or not) a baby to a loving family, I can hardly imagine being disappointed in myself. I also would be a hypocrite if I let my former experience scare me away from trying -- after all, we can fail in anything we do but that doesn't mean you shouldn't give it your all, right?

I've created this blog as a documentation of my journey to become a surrogate mother and my quest for a natural birth. I hope it will have a happy ending and to someday be able to share my story with my IPs (when I find them!) and other women who are seeking fulfillment after a disappointing birth experience.