I've read the books, talked it out, cried, wrote it down and screamed it out loud, but the bottom line is I feel robbed. I spent eight long months preparing, exercising, eating right and doing everything I was supposed to do to get ready for the grand finale, nature's greatest miracle, the birth. Just as I was rounding third, preparing to score the winning run, coach called time out and put in a replacement runner.
I had been planning a natural birth. I had a detailed birth plan that laid out my wishes, as well as what I would prefer the nurses and midwife to do in unordinary situations that may arise. I was ready. When the doctor told me the ultrasound technician found my fluid levels to be low and believed baby's growth was being restricted, I wanted to ask for a second opinion. I wanted to tell them that after sitting with the monitor hooked up for two hours and hearing her heartbeat without irregularity that there wasn't any reason for concern and that I would prefer to wait and see if anything changed by morning.
But I was scared.
My emotions wouldn't let my voice tell the doctors what I knew. All I could think about was how angry my husband would feel if I told the doctors they couldn't take the baby today and something happened before she was born. I was more afraid of the guilt I would feel if I was wrong and I didn't have the courage to stand up for myself. And I still regret it today.
In hindsight, my biggest mistake was not working with a doctor that had the same views on birthing as I did. Had my midwife been as adamant about a natural birth as I was she would have at least given me an honest, unbiased opinion on what my options were. Instead I was stuck talking to the on-call OB who I'm fairly convinced is in the business just to make women feel pain. This is the same woman that told me the day after delivery that my section went so well that she was only going to approve me for six weeks of maternity leave instead of the standard eight allotted for surgical deliveries. (Luckily, that decision wasn't up to her and I got my eight weeks approved without her help.)
So why am I here? How did I come to surrogacy? If I can be 100% honest about my selfishness, I want a do-over. I don't want the baby, I just want the birth. I want to prove to myself and the world that my body can do this. If I have it completely my way, I will have a natural birth surrogacy -- hence the blog title.
Crazy? Perhaps. And at first I had strong hesitations against entering into something like this with selfish motivations, but after much deliberation, I decided that all that really matters is that I can be honest about it. If I find IPs who know my reasoning and think I will be a good fit to carry their baby, why can't I have something to gain from it? If you ask me, I would be much worse of a person to add a baby to our own family just to get my birth when that isn't really something we want right now.
Of course I'm not oblivious to the fact that I may still wind up with a less-than-desirable birth experience. IVF frequently ends up in multiples, which makes it more difficult to find a provider to do a VBAC delivery, especially if I am able to explore alternate birthing options, such as a birthing center or home birth. VBAC in itself has risks and isn't always possible. I don't think I'm choosing an easy fix, but I'm certainly choosing a rewarding one. If I can carry and deliver (vaginally or not) a baby to a loving family, I can hardly imagine being disappointed in myself. I also would be a hypocrite if I let my former experience scare me away from trying -- after all, we can fail in anything we do but that doesn't mean you shouldn't give it your all, right?
I've created this blog as a documentation of my journey to become a surrogate mother and my quest for a natural birth. I hope it will have a happy ending and to someday be able to share my story with my IPs (when I find them!) and other women who are seeking fulfillment after a disappointing birth experience.
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