Is it really August already?

Who knew I'd be in this game for a whole year and find myself still looking for a match? A lot has happened since my last post in April -- we tried a few more times, had a few more BFNs, took another month off followed by somewhat of a falling out that left me in the market for IPs once again.

Determined that this is still something I really want to do, I started poking around the boards again, looking at ads and remembering how much I loathe the matching phase. I sent out a couple of notes to potential IPs and then I thought maybe I should just take a break for a while.

Several days later, an IM I had sent a friend request to responded. I remembered her story from a message board she had posted on and knew they were located within a few hours drive of us...so I thought 'What the heck? We can chat and if it doesn't work, it doesn't work.'

But it seems to be working. After a weeks worth of emails we thought why not have dinner. So we did. And it was great. That very night I got an email saying they would love to work with me! Excited but cautious, I responded that I would love to work with them as well, but I don't want to rush things. We're going to take our time getting to know one another just to make sure our match is truly perfect. I'm trying not to get too excited about the prospect of having IPs so close. I love that they will be able to be here for everything, to watch the pregnancy, to enjoy it as parents should be able to enjoy the milestones leading up to the birth of their baby. For now, just baby steps but I do look forward to getting back into blogging and documenting my continued journey.

A New Chapter

I'm not sure I can -- or care to -- recap everything that's happened over the course of my journey since I last posted. It's a new day, a new year, and I just want to start fresh documenting this new journey I'm embarking on.

Meet V&S. My new IPs! That's right, I'm matched again and couldn't imagine a more perfect couple to start over with.

We first began talking in early November. I had almost decided to match with another couple who was in Chicago, just a few short hours drive, when V insisted I at least meet them before making my decision. With them in California and being only a week before Christmas, flying to meet one another wasn't an option so we met by webcam instead. It was the two of them and C and I, plus Bear who only stayed awake long enough to say hello before promptly falling asleep on our laps while we were chatting.

By the time our conversation had ended, I already knew which couple I was going to choose, and I was fairly certain they were smitten with C, which I know can be a deciding factor for some -- the relationship with their surro is important, but they also have to be comfortable with her family. C and I talked and decided, just to be sure we were being completely rational and not sitting with our heads in the clouds we would sleep on it until after Christmas and, if we still felt the same at that time, we would let them know of our decision.

Well we still felt the same and I eagerly called them on Dec. 27 to let them know I'd love to carry for them if they'd have me. They graciously accepted, some tears were shed and we began making plans to put a contract in place.

V&S will be coming to Iowa to visit the first weekend in February, and -- assuming all goes well -- we'd like to start TTC later that month. The first visit will give them a chance to know us in real life, see how we live and what type of environment their baby will be gestating in, as well as an opportunity to meet our midwife and doula. We also agreed that having already met in person will take some of the pressure off because we won't be stressing about trying to get pregnant the first time we meet.

All in all they are a genuine, sweet, compassionate couple, and I'm so glad I didn't let location deter me from matching with them. They are cultured, well educated, and posses a lot of other characteristics that I value. They will provide a great home to raise a family in, and I'm so excited to be able to help them do just that.

The End

It ended before it began. I changed my mind about not wanting to work with them -- I decided that ultimately they were worth the wait whether or not our journey ever began. I couldn't imagine meeting another couple I felt so connected with and that is so much more important than a time line.

But they declined. They are taking a break from surrogacy and don't know when they might be ready to begin again. My heart hurts. It hurts for myself, but more so for R&I. I know this decision wasn't easy for them.


As for me, I'm not sure what's next. I suppose only time will tell.

If any good is to come of this, it's that I went into surrogacy planning to be flexible and thinking that the match was more important than the details. I'm coming away from this match realizing that the details are what make the match. When I am ready to start looking again, I will be firm about what I want and make my dealbreakers clear up front. I know now how important homebirth is to me, and I need to find someone who wants that too. I have feelings of anxiety, eagerness, excitement and dread all at once for what lies ahead.

Irony

In my last post, I seem to remember saying "barring any funny business, there isn't much they can do, say or suggest that will send me running." I guess I was wrong.

Yesterday, an e-mail came through from IF saying they didn't feel they were going to be financially prepared within the time frame we had decided on. I know surrogacy doesn't always go as planned, but the thing is that we weren't planning to start until February. Having met them in August, I was certain planning so far out would allow ample time to get our preliminary hoops jumped and leave plenty of padding in case things didn't go as planned. The indication was that starting in late spring or early summer would be better for them. As much as I adore this couple, I just felt I couldn't commit to a journey so far in advance -- so much can change in six months, not to mention there could be further delays, and I just don't want to spend that much time growing more and more attached only to potentially never begin our journey.

We've talked since and their aren't any hard feelings; we're both just aching because we want this to work so badly. They simply don't feel comfortable that any and all what-ifs could be covered, and while all of my fees have been negotiable, the one area  I can't compromise is on the unexpected.

As much as I dread starting over, I want so badly to do this and I think it's still possible to make it happen on my February time line. If, by chance, we're both still waiting, I'd still LOVE the opportunity to work with R&I but at this point it seems we're going our separate ways.

I put an ad back up on SMO and reactivated my profile on a few other surrogacy sites. I've been browsing but thus far everyone seems...not good enough in comparison. I also applied to an agency -- Surrogacy Dreams -- as a TS, and they indicated they will be contacting me within 48 hours.

Until next time.

He Said Yes

I guess this means I'm matched!

The Hubby and I got to have a long talk about surrogacy in general, PIPs, our fears, our excitement, obstacles we may encounter and how we will handle them, and it went really great.

For a while, Hubby said he was OK with this, but every time I tried to talk about it he changed the subject. Last night he might have even seemed excited. When I told him our PIPs (or should I be calling them my IPs now?!) had asked me to carry for them, it was like a floodgate opened and he wanted to know everything about them.

He expressed his concern for me again, and said he can't help but brace for the worst. What if I still don't get the birth I want? What if there are complications? He fears not only about how this will affect me, but how it will affect our whole family. He said that while it seems noble, it scares him that I'm not doing this for money -- that if asked he knows me well enough that I would do it for free -- and that I have so much hope riding on a great birth experience. Hearing him express this really made me take to heart how important it is for me to maintain a sense of normalcy in my own home without making life revolve around the family I'm helping to create. Of course I've considered that I still may not get the birth I dream of, and I'm OK with that. After having spent time with PIPs, I really see them becoming like family to us and I can't imagine being disappointed in myself when they go home with a baby in their arms.

I told him I needed him to be completely open an honest. No burying feelings. I'm not willing to strain our relationship to help someone else's so I need to know that he not only supports me, but feels I'm making the right decision for our family. He reassured me that he had really thought this through and would absolutely tell me if he wasn't 100% behind me.

It was overall a really great chat -- we should do this more often!

Saying Farewell: NYC Part 2

But it wasn't really a farewell at all, more like a see you soon. We were having lunch the day of my departure. I had just taken a large bite of NY-style pizza when I heard the words, "We want you to be our surrogate." Speechless. I'm fairly certain they must have thought I wasn't even excited because I quite literally said nothing. I finished chewing and smiled. That was it. There were truly no words to describe this feeling. All I could think was that this was it, and this is exactly what I am supposed to be doing. I don't really remember what I eventually said, only that it took me a while to think of anything.

Of course I want to talk to the Hubby and go over everything. I need to know he's really OK with this, and my IPs feel the same. We are one conversation away from matching. But first, a night dedicated to snuggles with my princess.

Hello New York

The good thing about this trip coming up so quickly was that there was no time to get anxious, excited, nervous or otherwise try to talk myself out of meeting strangers in a huge city alone. One weekend, day of vacation, day in the office and 3 hours in two airplanes later I was landing in NYC.

I had a few hours of work to do, then I would be off to meet them for dinner. It wasn't until I was standing out front of the restaurant waiting for them to arrive that it hit me. I still wasn't having doubts that this was something I wanted to do, and I really didn't feel like not liking them was even a possibility. In our short two week courtship I had shared more about myself with them than I had with anyone in who knows how long. What I was worrying about was what if they don't like me? They have been searching a long time -- why hadn't anyone else made the cut? What had other potential surros done that made them realize they weren't right for them?

I recognized them immediately when I saw them. I don't know why, I had only seen maybe a dozen pictures but I just knew it was them. They seemed surprised to see me there, which I later found out was because I was at the wrong restaurant :) Who puts two of the same restaurant within two blocks of one another? We walked a block to the right place, had dinner (which was amazing, BTW), and then headed out to see the city. The whole thing was really surreal. I kept thinking that I just couldn't believe I was really there, that I had really met them, that we had really only found each other a couple weeks ago.

We talked like old friends with plenty of great conversation and silences that didn't feel awkward to me. We talked about our pasts, presents and futures. I found myself frequently thinking why couldn't we meet friends like this at home. In my experience finding people you really connect with is rare -- yet I had found this couple after only a week of looking for IPs. This truly was a couple I could see us becoming close with even if we had met under different circumstances; and that is exactly what I felt I needed in IPs.

We spent two fabulous days seeing the city. What I loved the most is that they weren't just trying to get to know me and figure out if I would be a good surrogate, they really let me into their lives too. They showed me places that were special to them and shared the memories they had at each. I also loved not only how compatible I felt with them, but how obviously compatible and in love they are with each other. The journey for a baby can be straining on a relationship -- I've seen friends go through it and it's heart wrenching -- but this couple seemed to only be brought closer together, and despite their long wait they weren't discouraged or impatient, just certain that it would happen for them when the time was right.

I went to sleep each night feeling certain this was it. This was the couple I was going to carry a baby for, and I had known it from the start -- but now, more certain than ever, I couldn't wait to get home and tell the Hubby all about them. Concerned about how he would feel about how quickly everything was moving, I didn't want to have this conversation over the phone. I had a half a day left in the city and couldn't wait to enjoy it.

An Unexpected Turn

I'm taking a business trip to my PIPs town...next week. I debated even telling them because it just seems so -- staged. And a little creepy. On the other hand, I don't believe in coincidences and I really feel like this was meant to happen. Meeting face to face is such a huge step, but at the same time, it could avoid months of talking and building hope if we don't both end up feeling like we could match.

So I told them, and they're ecstatic. It just feels like so much is falling into place.

We talked on the phone again today. It was much less chaotic given the absence of the Kid. It's so strange how you can meet a perfect stranger who you feel comfortable enough to have open, deep conversations like you've known them for years. This was that kind of conversation. How come we can't find friends here like that?

Second Base

We talked on the phone. I was nervous and excited and...distracted. Toddlers aren't exactly condusive to intimate phone conversations, but we managed to get in a good 30 minutes of chatting before the Kid really lost her patience with me.

I feel like things are moving fast even though I know that, even if we match right away, it will likely be early next year before pregnancy realistically would occur. Still, e-mail is easy. You write, re-read, edit, re-read, re-word, re-read, then send. I'm a pretty elloquent writer -- if I do say so myself -- but phone conversations are a whole other ballgame. What if I say something dumb? What if there is awkward silence? What if we don't "connect"? Petty concerns? Perhaps, but very, very real.

Despite my fears, it went as smoothly as two strangers making a deal to have a baby can go. I have a feeling I'll hear from them again. I hope.

Changing Sides

I originally set out to be a gestational surrogate, with no question in my mind that becoming a traditional surrogate was an option. It seemed like the no brainer choice since there wouldn't be any emotional complications with having a genetic child that I won't be raising and becuase I wouldn't have to worry about not ovulating without my bromocryptine for my prolactin.

Then I met them. And it made me reconsider. I have not matched yet, but I couldn't help but reply to their ad -- now after talking for some time, I really feel like this could be moving in a good direction. It was this interaction that got me thinking. For starters, biological or not, I'm always going to feel a connection to this baby. I don't need to be called mama or to have regular contact, but regardless of whether I donated the egg, I'm going to be concerned for his/her well being, want to know he/she is well-loved and have a place in my heart for the baby I carried for nine months.

I also tend to be somewhat of a naturalist, and TS doesn't require as much medical intervention. Since it's my egg, insems work on my body's schedule. It doesn't require injectibles and the pregnancies themselves typically require less monitoring. All of this is right up my alley and, in my mind, will help make this a positive experience for me.

That said, I have some specific conditions that have to be met for me to consider TS for a couple.* Primarily, I wouldn't be opposed to working with a hetero couple for a GS; however, I would prefer a male same-sex couple for a TS is because I feel the risk of evoking jealous or resenful feelings is greatly reduced. One issue I see over and over is that IMs of TS relationships (understandably!) have a tendancy to resent the surro or fear that the surro will have a closer relationship with her child. A lot of times that leads to the IPs deciding not to tell the child their origin and sometimes has a catastrophic outcome, which, I feel, can be very damaging to the child.

That's not to say that this is always the case, but I really hope my surrogacy can be a positive experience and I feel I need to protect myself in any way I can. With IFs, there obviously isn't any question that the baby had to come from someone else, and from what I've seen, IFs seem to be more accommodating to helping the TS adjust and let go. I'm not sure what to expect after the birth, and I don't want to pretend to know how I'm going to feel, but I do think knowing my IPs aren't going to run and never look back the day the baby is born for fear I will bond with him or her will be a huge help in coping with elevated hormones!

Again, I'm not making myself exclusive to one side or the other, simply expanding my options by coming to the realization that I may be open to traditional surrogacy if the conditions are right. It would certainly have to be one very special couple with whom I feel extremely compatable.


*This blog is meant to be a journal of my experience, so I would like to insert a disclaimer now: the thoughts and opinions expressed here are explicity my own. I do not mean to offend anyone, and I certainly do not speak for everyone in the surrogacy community, I purely strive to be open and honest as I pursue my journey.

Telling Family

Is there ever a right time to tell family you're going to carry a baby for strangers? What do you say? How do you bring it up?

I told my baby sister today. She is the first of my family to know. I had to work out of town for the weekend, and since the Hubby was also out of town I brought the Kid along and my sister to watch her while I work. We had a 2.5-hour drive and I couldn't conceal my excitement. I told her all about my research and the couple I met and my whole experience so far. It was so refreshing to share and get it all off my chest.

Even if I don't match with this spectacular couple I met, our conversation has made me even more excited about what lies ahead. I can't wait to help make a deserving couple new parents, and hopefully develop a lasting relationship.

I get more and more excited each day. I know it could take some time, but I really feel like I'm doing the right thing and it will be worth the wait!

I Met Someone

OK maybe I'm jumping the gun here because we've only been chatting for a day -- yes, a day -- but I just feel a click. I can't share my excitement elsewhere because a) I'd probably be mortified if the potential IPs found out and b) I sound a little looney saying I want to carry someone's baby (literally) after knowing them a day.

They are a same-sex married couple from the East Coast and I positively adore them. Compared to others I've been talking to they just seem so put together and confident. They have been searching a while and yet are resiliant that they will find the perfect surro. I hope I'm her! And even if I'm not, I hope they find her soon.

On another note, my endo records have finally been transferred. I'm still waiting for a call from the new doc to make an appointment and get my prolactin checked. Considering we just weaned, I'm certain my levels are still elevated. Hopefully, she will put me on bromocryptine to get me back to normal ASAP. I imagine I'll need to have a few regular periods before any RE will consider cycling me.

Off for a weekend of R&R...oh and work. I'll be here:

I Dislike the Matching Phase

I got married young and was so thankful that I wouldn't have to go through the awkwardness of dating anymore. Yet here I am, placing personals ads and asking IPs to e-mail me if they think we'd be compatible.

When you don't get responses you feel like a loser, and when you do, it's the same game of 20 questions over and over. Straight to the point though -- I can assure you my husband would have ran away screaming if one of the first questions I posed was how do you feel about home births?

After the initial contact is when it gets really bad. You respond, they respond, you respond. Then nothing. You check your e-mail 15 times a day (ok an hour) to see if they have written back only to find an empty inbox. Then you read and re-read what you just sent wondering what sent them packing. It's ridiculous. At least I've been able to resist the urge to e-mail those who haven't responded in a couple days asking if I've scared them off...so far anyway. I guess I have a small bit of dignity left in me.

::back to waiting::