Leg Work

A downside to an independent (ie non-agency represented) journey is the research. Of course, agency or no agency, I would have been reading up on everything myself because that's just the type I am; but it would be nice to at least have someone to ask and provide a starting place.

This week has just been a TON of research for me. First things first, I've been on the hunt for a psychologist to do our psych exam. So far the closest has been about 2 hours away. None of the local ones really have a focus on what we're dealing with.

I've also been reading, reading, reading up on my birth options here in the QC. If we deliver in Illinois, which is currently my IPs preference, the hospital we'd have to travel to is almost 30 minutes away. I was able to track down their VBAC and cesarean states though and they are pretty good -- best in our area by far. I've also been reaching out to midwives (both home birth and hospital) and doulas here to see if they can recommend resources, doctors or facilities that would be a good fit for us. Most I'm still waiting to hear back from. One ran when I mentioned HBAC. Another responded that she attends birth, but illegally -- I can't imagine my on-the-fence IPs going for that!

More and more I'm loving the idea of having a doula present for the birth, but I'm just not sure how to approach it. It's not covered by insurance and I don't want to come off sounding greedy or demanding. At the same time, it's really important to me to have someone advocating for me, and I question whether the Hubby will be able to fill that role. With my IPs interest being fully on the wellness of the baby, I'd like to have someone who is there to support me and backup my decisions.

First things first -- I have to get cleared for pregnancy at my Oct. 7 appointment. As of yet, I haven't had a post-partum period so I'm skeptical whether he will actually condone that. Hopefully Aunt Flo makes an appearance prior so we don't get behind schedule.

Fingers crossed!

A Match Made in... Iowa?

Surrogacy laws vary by state. Illinois is one of three states with great surrogacy laws that recognize surrogate contracts and make it very easy for IPs to obtain a pre-birth order, which gives them parental rights from birth without having to adopt their own child. The catch? The law only protects gestational surrogacy. Not only is it harder to find a lawyer to represent a TS and get a PBO, we're also learning that many clinics won't do IUIs for TS journeys.

Iowa does not have any laws regarding surrogacy, thus it is not protected nor disallowed. This can be scary for IPs because a surrogate could, in theory, fight for custody of the child and it's likely Iowa would rule in favor of the SM. PBOs can be obtained, but only if the IPs are both biological parents, which means only one IF could be put on the birth certificate and even that isn't so simple. In Iowa, the law states that the husband of a mother is the father. That means that no matter who the sperm came from, if a woman is married, her husband is the father on the birth certificate. If we decided to deliver here, we would have to go through the process of getting a PBO and do a step-parent adoption. More time, more money, more complicated.

In an ideal world, a state that supports gay marriage would also support gay parenting but such does not seem to be the case.

At this point, we are still up in the air on where we will deliver. I have just begun reaching out to midwives with some of my questions and seeing whether they see me as a candidate for home birth. My IPs and I have touched on this just briefly, and while I certainly don't want to push them into something they aren't comfortable with, I also want to present my case since they did say it was something they'd be open to.

More recently, they did hint that they are more comfortable with a hospital birth so I have also been looking into the hospital facilities in my area. While there are no birth centers within 160 miles, a few of the hospitals have switched to the LDRP rooms equipped with a pull-out sofa, jacuzzi tub and large room to move about during labor. If a home birth is not an option, this would be the next best thing. But man-oh-man would I love to birth at home ::swoon::

He Said Yes

I guess this means I'm matched!

The Hubby and I got to have a long talk about surrogacy in general, PIPs, our fears, our excitement, obstacles we may encounter and how we will handle them, and it went really great.

For a while, Hubby said he was OK with this, but every time I tried to talk about it he changed the subject. Last night he might have even seemed excited. When I told him our PIPs (or should I be calling them my IPs now?!) had asked me to carry for them, it was like a floodgate opened and he wanted to know everything about them.

He expressed his concern for me again, and said he can't help but brace for the worst. What if I still don't get the birth I want? What if there are complications? He fears not only about how this will affect me, but how it will affect our whole family. He said that while it seems noble, it scares him that I'm not doing this for money -- that if asked he knows me well enough that I would do it for free -- and that I have so much hope riding on a great birth experience. Hearing him express this really made me take to heart how important it is for me to maintain a sense of normalcy in my own home without making life revolve around the family I'm helping to create. Of course I've considered that I still may not get the birth I dream of, and I'm OK with that. After having spent time with PIPs, I really see them becoming like family to us and I can't imagine being disappointed in myself when they go home with a baby in their arms.

I told him I needed him to be completely open an honest. No burying feelings. I'm not willing to strain our relationship to help someone else's so I need to know that he not only supports me, but feels I'm making the right decision for our family. He reassured me that he had really thought this through and would absolutely tell me if he wasn't 100% behind me.

It was overall a really great chat -- we should do this more often!

Saying Farewell: NYC Part 2

But it wasn't really a farewell at all, more like a see you soon. We were having lunch the day of my departure. I had just taken a large bite of NY-style pizza when I heard the words, "We want you to be our surrogate." Speechless. I'm fairly certain they must have thought I wasn't even excited because I quite literally said nothing. I finished chewing and smiled. That was it. There were truly no words to describe this feeling. All I could think was that this was it, and this is exactly what I am supposed to be doing. I don't really remember what I eventually said, only that it took me a while to think of anything.

Of course I want to talk to the Hubby and go over everything. I need to know he's really OK with this, and my IPs feel the same. We are one conversation away from matching. But first, a night dedicated to snuggles with my princess.

Hello New York

The good thing about this trip coming up so quickly was that there was no time to get anxious, excited, nervous or otherwise try to talk myself out of meeting strangers in a huge city alone. One weekend, day of vacation, day in the office and 3 hours in two airplanes later I was landing in NYC.

I had a few hours of work to do, then I would be off to meet them for dinner. It wasn't until I was standing out front of the restaurant waiting for them to arrive that it hit me. I still wasn't having doubts that this was something I wanted to do, and I really didn't feel like not liking them was even a possibility. In our short two week courtship I had shared more about myself with them than I had with anyone in who knows how long. What I was worrying about was what if they don't like me? They have been searching a long time -- why hadn't anyone else made the cut? What had other potential surros done that made them realize they weren't right for them?

I recognized them immediately when I saw them. I don't know why, I had only seen maybe a dozen pictures but I just knew it was them. They seemed surprised to see me there, which I later found out was because I was at the wrong restaurant :) Who puts two of the same restaurant within two blocks of one another? We walked a block to the right place, had dinner (which was amazing, BTW), and then headed out to see the city. The whole thing was really surreal. I kept thinking that I just couldn't believe I was really there, that I had really met them, that we had really only found each other a couple weeks ago.

We talked like old friends with plenty of great conversation and silences that didn't feel awkward to me. We talked about our pasts, presents and futures. I found myself frequently thinking why couldn't we meet friends like this at home. In my experience finding people you really connect with is rare -- yet I had found this couple after only a week of looking for IPs. This truly was a couple I could see us becoming close with even if we had met under different circumstances; and that is exactly what I felt I needed in IPs.

We spent two fabulous days seeing the city. What I loved the most is that they weren't just trying to get to know me and figure out if I would be a good surrogate, they really let me into their lives too. They showed me places that were special to them and shared the memories they had at each. I also loved not only how compatible I felt with them, but how obviously compatible and in love they are with each other. The journey for a baby can be straining on a relationship -- I've seen friends go through it and it's heart wrenching -- but this couple seemed to only be brought closer together, and despite their long wait they weren't discouraged or impatient, just certain that it would happen for them when the time was right.

I went to sleep each night feeling certain this was it. This was the couple I was going to carry a baby for, and I had known it from the start -- but now, more certain than ever, I couldn't wait to get home and tell the Hubby all about them. Concerned about how he would feel about how quickly everything was moving, I didn't want to have this conversation over the phone. I had a half a day left in the city and couldn't wait to enjoy it.